I'm Pissed

BlogSpot won't let me download a picture--and the first two were so easy. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong, and I don't know what I'm doing, and this whole blogging thing is siphoning energy off from photographs and Flickr. I don't want to make a fool of myself.

But I kept with it and I figured it out. This time I picked out a picture at random--"zen in the art of fortune cookies"--"Gaudi in Oakland?" The first thing I see is that the reflection isn't smooth, that there's a distortion that wiggles wavelike across the surface. I know that I deleted two American flags because they didn't fit the composition.

It hit me a few minutes ago that my building sense of unease, of urgency about what and how to write has something to do with Judith's leaving. She has two days left, plus bringing Miss Lily by here on Monday and the one day she's getting paid for that she won't have worked yet. And I'm worried about who will reflect me? Who'll be there on an almost daily basis to see me and hear me pretty much no matter what I do and without my having to go through social nattering to set it up. I've come to depend on her, to know myself through her eyes and count on the relief of not having to keep everything bottled up. Don once a week and Janet every two weeks isn't enough; each one goes deep and is valuable, but as an "all" or an "almost all" it's pretty skimpy rations. And I'm scared. I don't want to go back to the place where I feel like I'm the one who has to take all the care of myself. Brenda and Christina both can listen magnificently, when I really need it, but it's not the same thing as Judith here, difficult as that can be sometimes.

Feel like I'm getting wordy--but at least I did get on to something, that this antsiness about the blog is somehow related to Judith's imminent "official" departure. That's something.